i went to a networking event today but it made me feel so depressed about who i am. it made me feel so depressed about the career i'm trying to go for. i dont want to change anything. i know this is good for me and for finding a job. i know i will be able to do something that i love one day. but right now its so hard to know what i have to go through to get there . i went to this networking event today and i was talking to this one person and she was really nice so i asked for her instagram and she was like oh i can give you my linkedin but then i felt really embarassed because i didnt seem to be unprofessional i just thought we got along well. i'm sure she didn't think much of it at all especially i said i was like oh i dont have the linkedin app i do feel sad about the major i am in. i dont want to work cybersecurity or IT for the rest of my life. i want to work in music i want to make music i want to be a musician. but there is so much pressure right now to get my degree right like i switched from music industry to cybersecurity because i felt like i wouldnt have any opportunity to make money in the music industry right out of college and i also was so depressed and i really feel like that influenced my descision to change my major. like i really just feel like i don't know what i want to do. and i get jealous of people who do know what they want to do. i get jealous of my friends who love the major theyre in. who are making the music major work when i couldn't. i have every support system in the world but i still feel like i am failing myself on some level. younger me wanted to be a scientist. i've always loved astronomy. but trying to teach myself the math needed for that would just take too much time. i feel like i picked this major because it was fast and easy. i feel like i picked it because it was something that my parents sugessted and it was my only other option. i love writing, i love film, but those are the same as music. i want to live a life where i am comfortable and getting this degree just seemed like my only option. i have co op coming up which is also something that is absolutely terrifying. i will be working a job for 6 months pre graduation. i think in some ways it is an oportunnity for me to be able to work in the environment but also like....some of my friends are on their second co op. some people have already been through two or three. i just like. why isnt that me. why don't i know what i want to do. why am i not smarter? i have been sucking at so many of my classes. i have so many going on at once and it all feels like way too much for me. i feel like so overwhelmed being new to all of this. i have barely put my 10 thousandhours into music and now i don't even have 100 put into this fucking major. i can't like handle it . or i feel like i can't handle it. i know i can. i know i will get a co op internship this fall. i know i will graduate on time. i know i will pass all of my classes . but it just hurts to put myself through all of this. its so hard. and fast. and all for what. i hate it. i dont want to work in this field. i dont like it. or maybe i dont like it right now.