When I was a college freshman, i had this dorm with a window and a balcony. a place i wasn't supposed to be, a place i was afraid to go and stand up on, a place that left me with painful memories of a time that i'll never be able to go back to. this is my blog inspired by my thoughts i would have every time the sun set on the balcony. every time i was out there with a friend who would never love me the same way. every time i thought about jumping off
sometimes i think i would just be better off dead. sometimes i just want to kill myself. i am so embarassed. i hate everything. i am suffering from my own worries. i was so worried last night. i was so embarassed last night. i hate myself. i am not cool. i am not pretty. i feel so fat. this body doesn't feel like mine. i need a job. i need a life. i need a life outside this school. i dread everything so deep. 1000000000000 waiting for love. six gun cherry. i feel the depression starting again. i am starting to want to kill myself again. i am starting to melt.
how am i supposed to have feelings for anyone ever. i don't understand myself. i don't understand my selectiveness. i've only ever had real crushes on two people in my life once in 4th grade and once in 11th grade. both my boyfriends i didn't actually love. i didn't want a life with either of them. but one of them loved me. one of them wanted to marry me. i am so uncomforable i feel warm insteald of calm i feel stress bubbling under my skin. i am so vain. i am not even the prettiest but i can't let myself have feelings for someone i feel i s less than me. how am i supposed to? looks are what matter to me the most. i can't fall in love with someone if i am not attracted to the way they look. i can not date outside my type. i feel uncomfortable with the thought of being desired by someone that i find unattractive. i am not able to breathe right if i think someone is into me and theyre not as cool as me. i'm refraining from using the word ugly even though i really want to use it. i don't find people to be uglly unless theyre interested in me. because you know what relationsihps are to men? sex. how am i supposed to fall in love with someone's personality if the ultimate ending of the relationship pyramid is sex? how am i supposed to give myself up to someone i find utterly unattractive if i don't find pleasure in sex myself. i have never in my adult years wanted to have sex with someone that i had a crush on. i need time. and a lot of boys don't. a lot of boys don't respect that. i never felt respected. in my last "relationship" i was kissed on the first date i was kissed on the second date i was asked if i ever wanted to have sex and i said maybe and then i was broken up with and this was someone who's personality i found very attractive. i just don't understand the nature of it. it hurts to be like this. i wish it was easier to have crushes on people but i never have casual crushes on people. my friends tell me conflicting things. my friends say i can change. mo other friends say that sex is the only way in a relationship. how do i give someone a chance if i am utterly disgusted by the thought of them wanting to have sex with me. sometimes i question if i am even into men at all. i'm not into women either. but i've had crushes before. it just doesn't come around very often. i've thought about figuring out if i am asexual, but i dont think so. i'm not like that. i just don't love easy. i obsess. how can i obsess if i am embarassed by you. if you're not as cool as me. should i get off my fucking high horse and fuck some random person to get over myself? i don't fucking know. i guess it's just a waiting game that i am tired of playing. maybe i just don't get out enough. i think i am falling into my depression again lol.
having an identity crisis because i switched my major but all i want to do the rest of my life is be a musician and play shows
i am watching like the heaviest episode of that 70s show where eric buys donna a promise ring and donna just doesnt know what her future is gonna be like and eric is like all or nothing IT IS SO SAD that is like what happened to me in high school i didnt want to be with my boyfriend forever but he wanted to marry me and he bought me a promise ring but went shopping for it with another girl and the ring was too big for me because he probably measured it on her finger i still have the ring because it meant nothing to me and i dont know what else to do with it besides keep it in my jewelry box fUCK donna and eric better get back together by the end of this episode waiiiiiiiiiiiiiit I'm ON SEASON THREEEIUIYTR yay i lvihue whtis whohiw fj,j dijgsiouiasmdaekmjhjgb v fdgbghnngbf v dcrfgrtgthyjujujuyhyhgfrsfgsa=ijoijiuioijijji
sometimes i question if i am really into men at all and then i remember 19 year old ashton kutcher
SCHRöDINGERS CAT WAS FUCKING DEAD oh my god float blog i have something to tell you i got rejected in the nicest way possible (peep april 21st lol vvv) but i'm still so embarassed lol # im still waiting for my stars align i will wait but i am so impatient #lol ugh fuck whatever its cool i've been watching a lot of that 70s show but i OH i also took wayy wayyyyy to much allergy medicine (2 pills) at the same time and i think i fucking overdosed i have been in bed all day
uhgyftrdfghjk someome cute followed my band account but i can't tell if he's straight or if hes even cute but why else would he have followed my band if hes not like in love with me? sorry. this is like. sorry. he kind of looks like diary of a wimpy kid rodrick. sory. fucj ugh oh my gos h i am soooo delusional #lol #abouttofightsevenevilexes
tonight with the moon as my witness i threw away the last piece of you. a bag of three cookies. three cookies I didn't eat. I still have the vanilla. i still have the sugar. but those are made for other things. cookies were made for one thing. for us to make. for us to eat. when i walked into my room toight i didn't expect to see her, but she was staring at me. through the clouds, she was clear. she spoke to me and told me it was time. i had a feeling that this might be a block in my life, the cookies sitting on the counter from that one time. every time i looked at them i would be reminded of what i had and now of what I don't have. i held them up to her, and told her i was letting go. I held them up to her and she understood that i was really ready to let go. with the whistle of the wind she told me to turn away, and dissapeared behind the clouds. i turned around, to where i was to throw them away. but then i turned back to the moon. but every time i turn around, i am reminded of orpheus. didn't work out so well for him, and he really loved that girl. so i looked outstide but didn't look back at her. she told me what to do so i had to do it now. or else our bond would be broken, and she would be dissapointed in me. she would think and know not to trust me the next time i said i was ready, if i backed out now. i held them in my hand one last time. i thought about why i didnt eat them. my dad's recipie. they were pretty good. but i held the bag and felt them inside. i held the bag up to my lips and kissed it goodbye and then with less thought then i usually give i fucking chucked that brick of a bag into the trash. and now it sits in my kitchen trash. waiting for fate to bring it back to nature in some dump yard. i go back to my room and look out the window. there she is. quiet, and hopefully, proud.
only once she casts off fear and dares to love recklessly in an age of cynicism will she be free from regret
thank you emerson this was so beautiful
i am trying to think about all the things i am thankful for
j. your weed was evil
t. i thought you had a good time
j. i never said evil was a bad thing, it was a beautiful kind of evil
t. you're a beautiful kind of evil
MY ROOMMMATE GAVE ME JOSH TONIGHT I'M SO JOSHED UP BUT I PUT A STRAWBERRY KIWI JUICE BOX IN THE JOSH BECAUSE THE JOSH TASTED LIKE SHIT AND NOW ITS BETTER BUT THE JUICE ALONE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER THE JOSH THE JOSH THE JOSH
I AM IN A CONSTANT STATE OF PARANOIA AND STRESS AND FEAR AND SADNESS AND NEVEREVERENDING DEPRESSION
i have never felt like a girl i have never felt like a pretty girl i don't feel pretty i don't feel pretty i feel so un pretty because i will never look like_ i will never look like that i weigh 110 lbs but nothing looks as good as pretty feels i feel so sad its creeping back in i cant i can't
my favorite compliment i think i've ever gotten from a friend i think i have to write it out it went something like this:
s. your eyes are like rei ayanami's
j. no they're not, her eyes are red my eyes are not red
w. in the light they are
AHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOONOOO
i do not have a _ i do not have a _ on anyone no nononono oi havent felt anything in ages what could this be what am i even (i'm just beeing silly) but why is my heart fluttering ???????? and maybe its that plus the late night plus the cocteau twins but why else would _ and ? and >????? what the fuckk
i keep saying really mean stuff i am so horrible and need to shut the fuck up but can't a girl just fucking gossip
i had a really good day today.
is it weird that i think i'm kind of ugly
[REDACTED]
i feell soo lonely #lol
i could kill a pretty girl i could fucking kill a pretty girl
i have made too many drawings for boys. what do they do with my art? rip it up? keep it up? throw it away? ?????
actually no not really i'm not that okay every second of light and then i'm left with a sinking feeling of being alone and sad forever i hate my life i want it to end
i am so pretty wow
also if anyone on the internet actually finds this blog, i am okay. i am not as severely depressed as i sound on here i am actually really okay.
i really wish ahg i really am so uncomfortable around guys i don t like the idea of a gu y wantint to sleep with me i dont like the idea of a guy wanting to touch me i dont like the idea of a guy thinking i'm cute i dont like the idea of touching someone else i dont like the idea of someone else touching me i dont like the idea of someone thinking about me like that i am no longer a girl i am no longer a girl i am no longer a girl i am a doll i am a mannequin doll i am a mannequin doll
when i was in high school we did this song analysis essay and some girl in my class did one of my songs (horribly) but if anyone ever does an essay or presentation on one of my songs again and sends it to me i would like flip biscuits idk is that an expression?
sorry, that last post. i just woke up then. i thought it was funny to make fun of someone. i'm sorry. my favorite album doesnt even exist. hhellp
[REDACTED] [it wasnt that funny]
i am going to turn my fucking life in the right direction
i am so tired and i've lost a lot of interest in my life
is it normal to sit on your couch for 7 hours trying to get through your homework and keeping yourself from eating until you finish it because you don't deserve to eat until you become less of a failure
not a day goes by that i dont cry. i feel so sad all of the time. i feel numb and stuck. i can't get out of my head. i feel dumb and inexperienced and like my life is worth less than a penny. my head hurts. and i don't know what to do. i wish i could start again.
dealing with the crippling thoughts of being a failure
this is me after crying after taking a math exam
i tried so hard
lol
listening to a lot of mitski and lana means i must be sad
i thought this was all invisible
slime : (
commedian is the least attractive profession you can have as a man
taylor swift has become a threat to masculinity
[redacted]
i need to stop having crushes on drummers
i am so sad all i've been able to think about is how happy i had been the past couple of months and now ive lost interest in everything and i dont want to be anyone and death has softer words than i tell myself
i've stopped eating and started crying a lot. i broke so many blood vessels in my face. i am covered in broken blood vessels.
i'm too cool for you anyways
i love my friends i love my friends more than anything. today was the best day ever.
i painted my nails and drew a picture and thought about a boy
we found a home
haha 12:06 am
i freaked out a lot today and decided that i should study physics.
but i think im getting my sense back
we wanted to kill him, but he was already dead. i wish i could melt.
on my way to trader joes for the first time in 19 years.
is this me
