Tomorrow is my first day of school. I woke up today at 1pm. I decided the other day that I am probably going to try to get on depression medication. I’m not used to writing things. I haven’t written anything in a while. But tomorrow is my first day of school. I’ve been listening to that song, “In My Room,” by Julia Wolf. Julia Wolf and Julia Fox. Maybe I can be Julia Spider or Julia Doe. I’ve been panicking a lot about where I’m living right now. The parties are intense and loud. I daydream of buying a castle somewhere in rural Ireland and living alone. The castle would be beside a lake and the sun would set over the lake every night.
I am scared for this year and the next year. I think that being 20-22 is very formative and recently I’ve been wishing a lot for the past. I’ve been thinking a lot about being younger or being 16 again. My sister is 16 now. I was sitting in my pink chair in my room just now thinking about being home and how privileged I was to have the life I did. I don’t think I took anything for granted, I just think I wasn’t old enough to really appreciate what I had. I am living in Philadelphia now and I have been having a hard time living here. Every day I wake up overwhelmed by the noise and by the people. A while after I woke up I started doing dishes but I almost felt like I was still sleeping.